Bob Schwartz

“If you can’t say something nice about somebody, don’t say anything.”

This bit of Mom’s advice is frequently hard to follow. Harder than ever now that the ways of communicating have grown exponentially. What was once a limited circle of talk is now literally global. When we call it “social media” it means that one voice can potentially be heard by all of society—billions of people. Unkind words can reach very far.

Here is some wise advice. Just like the advice to thank your enemies and the worst people, it isn’t always easy to speak nicely about them. This blog in these times is an example of that tension. But there are good reasons to speak the best and withhold the worst.

The Importance of Pleasant Speech

The Buddha declared that pleasant, truthful, and wrong
Are three kinds of speech.
Words are like honey, flowers, and filth.
Abandon the last one.

This verse deals with the notion of speech. Three different kinds of speech are discussed: pleasant speech, truthful speech, and wrongful speech. We have to learn to speak properly. We have spoken about the mind in terms of how we should make use of it in terms of its flexibility or its inflexible nature. How human beings interact with others is based upon communication and the primary form of communication is conducted through the use of speech. Although we make many different kinds of use of speech, according to the teachings they are grouped into three.

The first one is called pleasant speech, which means saying encouraging things that others would like to hear. For example, trying to inspire others or saying things that are supportive of somebody. That is something that one should do. Pleasant speech has the impact of making others happy so what one has said makes somebody happy. In the teachings this is compared to a taste of honey.

The second one is truthful speech, which means to say something with sincerity. “Truthful” means something that is said not in terms of words but in terms of sincere speech and that means being sincere about what one is saying. When saying something pleasant to somebody, one should say it with sincerity. For example, flattery may not be considered pleasant speech even though it may be seen as something that is pleasant for somebody to hear. Sincere speech is said to be very beautiful—there is some kind of beauty in what is said with sincerity and it moves people. It has a very beneficial impact on others.

Wrongful speech is the opposite of these two. It is saying things in order to hurt others or to make them feel upset, to demean them or to put them down, or it is saying things without sincerity to deceive and manipulate. Nagarjuna says that the third form of speech is something that one should avoid and one should try to practice the other two forms of speech as much as possible.

Whatever is said makes an impact on the minds of others. Others will remember if one has said something nice to them. Therefore, even in terms of practicality one will receive a positive response or positive feedback from others. If we have said something very hurtful or demeaning, then others will respond in a similar fashion and one would then feel angered or demeaned or humiliated. From the Buddhist point of view, we have to look at this in terms of interpersonal impact: how what one says impacts upon others and how that then impacts upon us. We should then think about the migratory nature of sentient creatures.

Letter to a Friend* by Nagarjuna, commentary by Traleg Kyabgon

*Letter to a Friend is a brief philosophical poem by Nagarjuna, the influential 2nd-century Buddhist monk and Madhyamaka school founder. Written as advice to a royal patron, it presents core Buddhist teachings in accessible verse form.