Bob Schwartz

It is the day after April Fools’ Day. Maybe that means that today we can return to our normal level of wisdom. Or maybe we should conclude that every day, more or less, is a fools day.

I have written before about the legendary Fools of Chelm (here and here) also known as the Wise Men of Chelm, because that is how they saw themselves.

There are many stories and many versions. No one has done it better than Isaac Bashevis Singer. The Fools of Chelm & the Stupid Carp can be found in his Stories for Children.

The story deserves to be read whole, as does all of Singer. My attempts to excerpt it failed. So here is the entire story, demonstrating just how “wise” the sages of Chelm really were. And us too. Here on April Fools’ Day, Part 2.

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In Chelm, a city of fools, every housewife bought fish for the Sabbath. The rich bought large fish, the poor small ones. They were bought on Thursday, cut up, chopped, and made into gefilte fish on Friday, and eaten on the Sabbath.

One Thursday morning the door opened at the house of the community leader of Chelm, Gronam Ox, and Zeinvel Ninny entered, carrying a trough full of water. Inside was a large, live carp.

“What is this?” Gronam asked.

“A gift to you from the wise men of Chelm,” Zeinvel said. “This is the largest carp ever caught in the Lake of Chelm, and we all decided to give it to you as a token of appreciation for your great wisdom.”

“Thank you very much,” Gronam Ox replied. “My wife, Yente Pesha, will be delighted. She and I both love carp. I read in a book that eating the brain of a carp increases wisdom, and even though we in Chelm are immensely clever, a little improvement never hurts. But let me have a close look at him. I was told that a carp’s tail shows the size of his brain.”

Gronam Ox was known to be nearsighted, and when he bent down to the trough to better observe the carp’s tail, the carp did something that proved he was not as wise as Gronam thought. He lifted his tail and smacked Gronam across the face.

Gronam Ox was flabbergasted. “Something like this never happened to me before,” he exclaimed. “I cannot believe this carp was caught in the Chelm lake. A Chelm carp would know better.”

“He’s the meanest fish I ever saw in my life,” agreed Zeinvel Ninny.

Even though Chelm is a big city, news traveled quickly there. In no time at all the other wise men of Chelm arrived at the house of their leader, Gronam Ox. Treitel Fool came, and Sender Donkey, Shmendrick Numskull, and Dopey Lekisch. Gronam Ox was saying, “I’m not going to eat this fish on the Sabbath. This carp is a fool, and malicious to boot. If I eat him, I could become foolish instead of cleverer.”

“Then what shall I do with him?” asked Zeinvel Ninny.

Gronam Ox put a finger to his head as a sign that he was thinking hard. After a while he cried out, “No man or animal in Chelm should slap Gronam Ox. This fish should be punished.”

“What kind of punishment shall we give him?” asked Treitel Fool. “All fish are killed anyhow, and one cannot kill a fish twice.”

“He shouldn’t be killed like other fish,” Sender Donkey said. “He should die in a different way to show that no one can smack our beloved sage, Gronam Ox, and get away with it.”

“What kind of death?” wondered Shmendrick Numskull. “Shall we perhaps just imprison him?”

“There is no prison in Chelm for fish,” said Zeinvel Ninny. “And to build such a prison would take too long.”

“Maybe he should be hanged,” suggested Dopey Lekisch.

“How do you hang a carp?” Sender Donkey wanted to know. “A creature can be hanged only by its neck, but since a carp has no neck, how will you hang him?”

“My advice is that he should be thrown to the dogs alive,” said Treitel Fool.

“It’s no good,” Gronam Ox answered. “Our Chelm dogs are both smart and modest, but if they eat this carp, they may become as stupid and mean as he is.”

“So what should we do?” all the wise men asked.

“This case needs lengthy consideration,” Gronam Ox decided. “Let’s leave the carp in the trough and ponder the matter as long as is necessary. Being the wisest man in Chelm, I cannot afford to pass a sentence that will not be admired by all the Chelmites.”

“If the carp stays in the trough a long time, he may die,” Zeinvel Ninny, a former fish dealer, explained. “To keep him alive we must put him into a large tub, and the water has to be changed often. He must also be fed properly.”

“You are right, Zeinvel,” Gronam Ox told him. “Go and find the largest tub in Chelm and see to it that the carp is kept alive and healthy until the day of judgment. When I reach a decision, you will hear about it.”

Of course Gronam’s words were the law in Chelm. The five wise men went and found a large tub, filled it with fresh water, and put the criminal carp in it, together with some crumbs of bread, challah, and other tidbits a carp might like to eat. Shlemiel, Gronam’s bodyguard, was stationed at the tub to make sure that no greedy Chelmite wife would use the imprisoned carp for gefilte fish.

It just so happened that Gronam Ox had many other decisions to make and he kept postponing the sentence. The carp seemed not to be impatient. He ate, swam in the tub, became even fatter than he had been, not realizing that a severe sentence hung over his head. Shlemiel changed the water frequently, because he was told that if the carp died, this would be an act of contempt for Gronam Ox and for the Chelm Court of Justice. Yukel the water carrier made a few extra pennies every day by bringing water for the carp. Some of the Chelmites who were in opposition to Gronam Ox spread the gossip that Gronam just couldn’t find the right type of punishment for the carp and that he was waiting for the carp to die a natural death. But, as always, a great disappointment awaited them. One morning about half a year later, the sentence became known, and when it was known, Chelm was stunned. The carp had to be drowned.

Gronam Ox had thought up many clever sentences before, but never one as brilliant as this one. Even his enemies were amazed at this shrewd verdict. Drowning is just the kind of death suited to a spiteful carp with a large tail and a small brain.

That day the entire Chelm community gathered at the lake to see the sentence executed. The carp, which had become almost twice as big as he had been before, was brought to the lake in the wagon that carried the worst criminals to their death. The drummers drummed. Trumpets blared. The Chelmite executioner raised the heavy carp and threw it into the lake with a mighty splash.

A great cry rose from the Chelmites: “Down with the treacherous carp! Long live Gronam Ox! Hurrah!”

Gronam was lifted by his admirers and carried home with songs of praise. Some Chelmite girls showered him with flowers. Even Yente Pesha, his wife, who was often critical of Gronam and dared to call him fool, seemed impressed by Gronam’s high intelligence.

In Chelm, as everywhere else, there were envious people who found fault with everyone, and they began to say that there was no proof whatsoever that the carp really drowned. Why should a carp drown in lake water? they asked. While hundreds of innocent fish were killed every Friday, they said, that stupid carp lived in comfort for months on the taxpayers’ money and then was returned sound and healthy to the lake, where he is laughing at Chelm justice.

But only a few listened to these malicious words. They pointed out that months passed and the carp was never caught again, a sure sign that he was dead. It is true that the carp just might have decided to be careful and to avoid the fisherman’s net. But how can a foolish carp who slaps Gronam Ox have such wisdom?

Just the same, to be on the safe side, the wise men of Chelm published a decree that if the nasty carp had refused to be drowned and was caught again, a special jail should be built for him, a pool where he would be kept prisoner for the rest of his life.

The decree was printed in capital letters in the official gazette of Chelm and signed by Gronam Ox and his five sages—Treitel Fool, Sender Donkey, Shmendrick Numskull, Zeinvel Ninny, and Dopey Lekisch.

Translated by the author and Ruth Schachner Finkel

© 2021 by The Isaac Bashevis Singer Literary Trust

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